Being able to clearly define terms and boundaries is an important part of being in any form of a relationship. We've compiled some of the common questions and definitions for terms here all in one place. 

Consent

• What Is Consent? 

  Effective Consent is:

  • informed;
  • freely and actively given;
  • mutually understandable words or actions;
  • words that indicate a willingness or unwillingness to participate in mutually agreed upon sexual activity.
     

  A person CAN NOT give consent:
  (Regardless of what he or she might verbalize):

  • The person is incapacitated or unconscious as a result of alcohol and/or drugs
  • The person is mentally disabled to the extent that the person cannot understand the nature of the consequences of the sexual act 
  • The person is not of age to give consent 
  • Once a person says “no.” It does not matter if or what kind of sexual behavior has happened previously in the current event, earlier that day, or daily for the previous six months. It does not matter if it is a current long-term relationship, a broken relationship, or a marriage. If one partner says, “NO,” and the other forces penetration it is rape.
     

  The absence of “no” does not mean “yes”. 

  Consent is a very important part of a sexual relationship. Each person is responsible for their own comfort and safety. Consent is an important part of healthy sexuality and both people should be involved in the decision to participate in sexual activity.

  
  CONSENT IS…

  • A voluntary, sober, imaginative, enthusiastic, creative, wanted, informed, mutual, honest, and verbal agreement.
  • An active agreement: Consent cannot be coerced.
  • A process, which must be asked for every step of the way; if you want to move to the next level of sexual intimacy— just ask.
  • Never implied and cannot be assumed, even in the context of a relationship. Just because you are in a relationship does not mean that you have permission to have sex with your partner.
    
    Everyone has the right to say “no” and everyone has the right to change their mind at any time regardless of their past experiences with other people or the person they are with.

  
  Responsibility with Consent

  Giving consent is not the sole responsibility of one person. An initiator of sexual activity is also responsible for obtaining effective consent before engaging in sexual behavior.

  
  
  

  Recognizing Non-Verbal Communication

  There are many ways of communicating. The look on a person's face or their body language are also a way of communicating. Often non verbal communication has more meaning than the words that come out of their mouth.

  Some examples of non verbal communication that signal a person is uncomfortable with the situation are:

  • Not responding to your touch
     
  • Pushing you away
     
  • Holding their arms tightly around their bodies
     
  • Turning away from you or hiding their face
     
  • Stiffening muscles

  Asking questions and being aware of body language helps you to determine if the person is consenting and feeling comfortable, or not consenting and feeling uncomfortable. If you get a negative or non-committal answer to any of the questions above, or if the person's body language resembles any of the above examples, you should stop what you are doing and talk to them about it.

  
  Slowing Things Down

  Take your time. Making sure you are both comfortable and want the same thing, talk about how far you want to go. This will make the time you spend together more satisfying and enjoyable for you both. Things can move very quickly. Below are ways to say "slow down" if you feel that things are moving too quickly.

  • I don’t want to go any further than kissing, hugging, touching. 
  • Let's just stay like this for a while.
  • Let's slow down.
     

  Stopping

  You always have the right to say “no”. You always have the right to change your mind at any time regardless of your past experience with the person or others. Below are some things you can say or do if you want to stop:

  • Say “No”
  • Say “I want to stop” 
  • Say “I need to go to the bathroom/toilet” 
  • In a situation where the other person isn’t listening to you and you feel unsafe, say you are going to feel sick and might vomit.
     

  If someone has attempted or completed a sexual act without your consent...

  Know it is not your fault and there are numerous On and Off Campus Resources.

• What does consent mean in intimate relationships?

  Consent is when one person agrees to or gives permission to another person to do something. Consent means agreeing to an action based on your knowledge of what that action involves, its likely consequences, and having the option of saying no. 

• What if the person you’re with is unable to give consent?

  Drugs and alcohol can affect people’s ability to make decisions, including whether or not they want to be sexual with someone else. This means that if someone is really out of it, they cannot give consent.

   

  Being with them in a sexual way when they don’t know what is going on is the same as rape.

  If you see a person who is unable and is being intimate with someone, you should pull them aside and try your best to make sure that person is safe and knows what he or she is doing. If it’s the opposite situation, and your friend is trying to engage in a sexual encounter with someone who is out if it, you should try to pull them aside and stop them from continuing their behavior

• How do you know if the person you are with has given their consent?

  The only way to know for sure if a person has given consent is if they tell you. It’s not always easy to let people know that you are not happy about something. Sometimes the person you’re with might look like they are happy doing something, but inside they are not. They might not know what to say or how to tell you that they are uncomfortable. The best way to determine if someone is uncomfortable or unwilling in any situation, especially a sexual one, is to simply ask. Here are some examples of the questions you might ask:

  • Is there anything you don’t want to do?
     
  • Are you comfortable?
     
  • Do you want to stop?
     
  • Do you want to go further?
     

  However, if the person incapacitated (as described above) even if consent is verbalized, it is not consent!

   

• The Perks of Consent

   

  • Shows that you have respect for both yourself and your partner.
     
  • Enhances communication, respect, and honesty.
     
  • Having the ability to know and be able to communicate the type of sexual relationship you want.
     
  • The opportunity to acknowledge that you and your partner have sexual needs and desires.
     
  • The opportunity to identify your personal beliefs and values and respecting your partner’s personal beliefs and values.
     
  • Building confidence and self-esteem.
     
  • Challenging stereotypes that rape is a women’s issue.
     
  • Challenging sexism and traditional views on gender and sexuality.
     
  • Gaining positive views on sex and sexuality is empowering.
  • Eliminates the entitlement that one partner might feel over another. Neither your body nor your sexuality belong to anyone else.

Definitions 

Below are some common definitions to help you better your understanding of your self-advocacy and advocacy of others when it comes to safety on campus. These definitions are as described in Oklahoma State statutes

• Assault
  Assault is any willful and unlawful attempt or offer with force or violence to do a corporal hurt to another.
• Domestic Abuse and Dating Violence

  Dating violence is committed by a person who is or has been in a social relationship of a romantic or intimate nature with another person. The existence of such relationship shall be determined based on a consideration of the following factors:

  • Length of the relationship
  • Type of relationship
  • Frequency of interaction between the persons involved in the relationship.

  Dating violence includes but is not limited to, sexual or physical abuse or the threat of such abuse. Dating violence does not include acts that meet the definition of domestic violence.

  Definition consistent with Violence Against Women Act Volume 79 CFR.

   

   

  Relationship (Domestic) and Dating Violence on a College Campus

   

   

  Relationship violence is a pattern of behavior in which one partner uses fear and intimidation to establish power and control over the other partner. This often includes the threat or use of violence.

   

  This abuse happens when one person believes they are entitled to control another. It may or may not include sexual assault, physical abuse, and emotional abuse.

   

  Relationship violence can occur in straight/heterosexual relationships, same-sex/gender relationships, and in intimate relationships that do not involve romantic feelings. Intimate partner violence can happen with roommates, friends, classmates, or teammates.

   

  Relationship violence impacts people of all ethnicities, races, classes, abilities, and nationalities. Although there are some general patterns in domestic or dating violence, there is no typical abusive behavior.

   

  To wear down and control his/her victim, an abuser may use emotional harassment, physical contact, intimidation, or other means. The controlling behavior usually escalates, particularly if the object of the abuse tries to resist or leave.

   

  It is imperative to remember that DV escalates over time, meaning it doesn’t start all of a sudden with physical violence. There are usually early warning signs of a potentially abusive relationship.

   

  Often, control is the earliest indicator of a potentially volatile partner. This might look like a partner being obsessive about checking your phone, looking at your social media, checking your email, etc. It might come across as 'cute' that your partner cares so much for you that he/she just wants to know everything you're doing, however, these types of behaviors are not ok and may be early warning signs of potential abuse.

   

  Another early indicator is isolation. If a partner doesn’t want you to spend time with friends or family and you begin to feel isolated, like you can’t talk to anyone but your partner without causing a fight or making your partner jealous, this is a problem.

   

  Many abusive partners use isolation as a control mechanism to make it feel harder to leave the relationship. Especially in college where many people are far away from home and family, isolation can be a very influential means of control. There are certain behaviors that might be considered 'red flags.' You can read more about these red flags at nnedv.org.

   

  Be sure to watch out for these behaviors in your relationships and in your friends' relationships.

   

  Red flags include someone who:

  • Wants to move too quickly into the relationship.
  • Early in the relationship flatters you constantly, and seems "too good to be true."
  • Wants you all to him- or herself; insists that you stop spending time with your friends or family.
  • Insists that you stop participating in hobbies or activities, quit school, or quit your job.
  • Does not honor your boundaries.
  • Is excessively jealous and accuses you of being unfaithful.
  • Wants to know where you are all of the time and frequently calls, emails, and texts you throughout the day.
  • Criticizes or puts you down; says you are crazy, stupid, and/or fat/unattractive, or that no one else would ever want or love you.
  • Takes no responsibility for his or her behavior and blames others.
  • Has a history of abusing others.
  • Blames the entire failure of previous relationships on his or her former partner; for example, "My ex was totally crazy."
  • Takes your money or runs up your credit card debt.
  • Rages out of control with you but can maintain composure around others.
     

  
  Types and Forms of Relationship Violence

   

  Relationship violence is a crime. Behaviors that are used to maintain fear, intimidation, and power over another person may include threats, economic abuse, sexual abuse or taking advantage of privilege. These behaviors may take the form of physical, sexual, emotional, and/or psychological violence.

  General descriptions of the types of domestic and dating violence are as follows:

   

  Physical violence: The abuser’s physical attacks or aggressive behavior can range from bruising to murder. It often begins with what is excused as trivial contacts, which escalate into more frequent and serious attacks. Physical abuse may include, but is not limited to, pushing, shoving, hitting, kicking, choking, restraining with force, or throwing things.

   

  Sexual abuse: Physical attack is often accompanied by or culminates in some type of sexual intercourse with the victim, or forcing her/him to take part in unwanted sexual activity. Sexual violence may include, but is not limited to, treating the victim and other people as objects via actions and remarks, using sexual names, insisting on dressing or not dressing in a certain ways, touching in ways that make a person uncomfortable, rape, or accusing the victim of sexual activity with others.

   

  Emotional or Psychological violence: The abuser’s psychological or mental attack may include constant verbal abuse, harassment, excessive possessiveness, isolation from friends and family, deprivation of physical and economic resources, and destruction of personal property. Emotional or psychological abuse may include, but is not limited to, withholding approval, appreciation, or affection as punishment; ridiculing her/his most valued beliefs, religion, race, or heritage; humiliating and criticizing her/him in public or private; or controlling all her/his actions and decisions.

  
  It Could Be Intimate Partner Abuse If….

  One person:

  • Constantly blames his/her partner for everything - including his/her own abusive behavior/temper.
  • Makes mean and degrading comments about a partner's appearance, beliefs or accomplishments.
  • Controls money and time.
  • Gets extremely jealous of everyone, i.e. friends, family, etc.
  • Isolates a partner.
  • Loses his/her temper.
  • Is obsessive of a partner.
    Physically and/or sexually assaults another.
     

  Or the other person:

  • Gives up things that are important to her/him, including friends, family, hobbies, etc.
  • Cancels plans with friends.
  • Becomes isolated from family and/or friends.
  • Worries about making her/his partner angry.
  • Shows signs of physical abuse like bruises or cuts.
  • Feels embarrassed or ashamed about what's going on in her/his relationship.
  • Consistently makes excuses for her/his partner’s behavior
     

  If You are Experiencing Intimate Partner Abuse or Suspect a Friend is...

  Know it is not your fault and there are numerous On and Off Campus Resources. Check out the Supporting DV Victims page as well to learn how you can be a supportive friend.

• Harassment
  A knowingly and willful course or pattern of conduct by a family or household member or an individual who is or has been involved in a dating relationship with the person, directed at a specific person which seriously alarms or annoys the person, and which serves no legitimate purpose. The course of conduct must be such as would cause a reasonable person to suffer substantial emotional distress, and must actually cause substantial distress to the person. “Harassment” shall include, but not be limited to, harassing or obscene telephone calls in violation of Section 1172 of Title 21 of the Oklahoma Statutes and fear of death or bodily harm

  • “Family of household members” means:
    • spouses,
    • ex-spouses,
    • present spouses of ex-spouses,
    • parents, including grandparents, stepparents, adoptive parents and foster parents,
    • children, including grandchildren, stepchildren, adoptive children and foster children,
    • persons otherwise related by blood or marriage,
    • persons living in the same household or who formerly lived in the same household, and
    • persons who are the biological parents of the same child, regardless of their marital status, or whether they have lived together at any time. This shall include the elderly and handicapped
  • “Dating relationship” means a courtship or engagement relationship. For purposes of this act, a casual acquaintance or ordinary fraternization between persons in a business of social context shall not constitute a dating relationship.
• Sexual Harassment

  Sexual harassment is unwelcome sexual advances, requests for sexual favors and other verbal or physical contact or communication of a sexual nature when:

   

  1. Submission to such conduct or communication is made either explicitly or implicitly as a term or condition of educational benefits, employment, academic evaluations or other academic opportunities,

  2. Submission to or rejection of such conduct or communication by an individual is used as the basis for an employment decision or academic decision affecting such individual, or

  3. Such conduct is sufficiently severe, pervasive or persistent and objectively offensive that it has the effect of creating an intimidating, hostile or offensive environment that negatively affects an individual’s academic or employment environment.

  Sexual harassment does not include verbal expressions or written materials that are relevant and appropriately related to course subject matter or curriculum, and this policy shall not abridge academic freedom or the university’s educational mission.

   

  Sexual harassment can create a hostile environment. Sexual harassment should be reported even if it doesn’t reach the point of creating a hostile environment. A hostile environment is defined as subjectively and objectively offensive and sufficiently severe or pervasive to alter the conditions of the victim’s educational, employment or university environment.

   

  Sexual harassment could occur off-campus and still have an effect on an individual’s educational, employment or university environment as well as create a hostile environment. A one-time non-consensual contact could also create a hostile environment.

  Examples of behavior that could be sexual harassment:

  • Unwelcome sexual flirtation, advances or propositions of sexual activities.
  • Asking about someone else’s personal, social or sexual life or about their sexual fantasies, preferences or history.
  • Discussing your own personal sexual fantasies, preferences or history.
  • Repeatedly asking for a date from a person who is not interested.
  • Whistles, cat calls or insulting sounds.
  • Sexually suggestive jokes, innuendoes or turning discussions into sexual topics.
  • Sexually offensive or degrading language used to describe an individual or remarks of a sexual nature to describe a person’s body or clothing.
  • Calling a person a “hunk,” “doll,” “babe,” “sugar,” “honey,” or similar descriptive terms.
  • Displaying sexually demeaning or offensive objects and pictures.
  • Making sexual gestures with hands or body movements.
  • Rating a person’s sexuality.
  • Unwelcome touching of a person’s body including massaging a person.
• Domestic Violence

  Domestic violence is a crime of violence committed by a;

  • current or former spouse or intimate partner of the victim,
  • person with whom the victim shares a child in common,
  • person who is cohabitating with or has cohabited with the victim as a spouse,
  • person similarly situated to a spouse of the victim.

  Domestic violence is a pattern of abusive behavior in any relationship that is used by one partner to gain or maintain power and control over another intimate partner. Domestic violence can be physical, sexual, emotional, economic or psychological actions or threat of actions that influence another person.

  Definition consistent with Violence Against Women Act Volume 79 CFR.

• Retaliation
  The university will not tolerate retaliation against a person who, in good faith, brings a complaint forward. Retaliation against an individual who has brought a complaint forward or against an individual who has participated in an investigation or conduct process is prohibited. See Board of Regents for the Oklahoma Agricultural and Mechanical Colleges Policy Manual, 3.11 Non-Retaliation for more information.
• Rape

  Rape is an act of sexual intercourse involving vaginal or anal penetration accomplished with a male or female who is not the spouse of the perpetrator and who may be of the same or the opposite sex as the perpetrator under any of the following circumstances:

   

  1. Where the victim is under sixteen (16) years of age;

  2. Where the victim is incapable through mental illness or any other unsoundness of mind, whether temporary or permanent, of giving legal consent;

  3. Where force or violence is used or threatened, accompanied by apparent power of execution to the victim or to another person;

  4. Where the victim is intoxicated by a narcotic or anesthetic agent, administered by or with the privity of the accused as a means of forcing the victim to submit;

  5. Where the victim is at the time unconscious of the nature of the act and this fact is known to the accused;

  6. Where the victim submits to sexual intercourse under the belief that the person committing the act is a spouse, and this belief is induced by artifice, pretense, or concealment practiced by the accused or by the accused in collusion with the spouse with intent to induce that belief. In all cases of collusion between the accused and the spouse to accomplish such act, both the spouse and the accused, upon conviction, shall be deemed guilty of rape;

  7. Where the victim is under the legal custody or supervision of a state agency, a federal agency, a county, a municipality or a political subdivision and engages in sexual intercourse with a state, federal, county, municipal or political subdivision employee or an employee of a contractor of the state, the federal government, a county, a municipality or a political subdivision that exercises authority over the victim; or

  8. Where the victim is at least sixteen (16) years of age and is less than twenty (20) years of age and is a student, or under the legal custody or supervision of any public or private elementary or secondary school, junior high or high school, or public vocational school, and engages in sexual intercourse with a person who is eighteen (18) years of age or older and is an employee of the same school system.

  Rape is an act of sexual intercourse accomplished with a male or female who is the spouse of the perpetrator if force or violence is used or threatened, accompanied by apparent power of execution to the victim or to another person.

• Sexual Misconduct

  Sexual misconduct is a broad term encompassing any non-consensual contact of a sexual nature. Sexual misconduct may vary in severity and consists of a range of behavior or attempted behavior including, but not limited to, the following examples of prohibited conduct:

  a. Unwelcome sexual touching/exposure

  The touch of an unwilling or non-consensual person’s intimate parts (such as genitalia, groin, breast, buttocks, mouth or clothing covering same); touching an unwilling person with one’s own intimate parts; or forcing an unwilling person to touch another’s intimate parts. This also includes indecent exposure and voyeurism.

  b. Non-consensual sexual assault

  Unwilling or non-consensual penetration of any bodily opening with an object or body part. This includes, but is not limited to, penetration of a bodily opening without effective consent through the use of coercion.

  c. Forced sexual assault

  Unwilling or non-consensual penetration of any bodily opening with any object or body part that is committed either by force, threat, intimidation, or through exploitation of another’s mental or physical condition (such as lack of consciousness, incapacitation due to drugs or alcohol, age, or disability) of which the assailant was aware or should have been aware.

   

  Effective Consent is:

  • informed;
  • freely and actively given;
  • mutually understandable words or actions; and
  • willingness to participate in mutually agreed upon sexual activity.

  Further:

  • Initiators of sexual activity are responsible for obtaining effective consent.
  • Silence or passivity is not effective consent.
  • The use of intimidation, coercion, threats, force or violence negates any consent obtained.
  • Consent is not considered effective if obtained from an individual who is incapable of giving consent due to the following:
    • mental, developmental, or physical disability; or
    • s/he is under the legal age to give consent; or
    • s/he is incapacitated by alcohol, beer or under the influence of drugs.

  Individuals who commit acts of sexual misconduct assume responsibility for their behavior and must understand that the use of alcohol or other drugs does not reduce accountability for their actions.

  Examples of sexual misconduct violations:

  • Ignoring an individual’s protest and engaging in sexual activity.
  • Convincing somebody to have sex likely constitutes intimidation or coercion. If someone is coerced, the yes is not effective consent.
  • Drinking and/or drug use may render an individual incapable of giving consent for sexual activity. For example, someone who is incapacitated may agree to have sex at the time, but have no memory of the consent. This person may have been functioning in a “blackout” and could not give effective consent.
  • Holding a person down or preventing a person from leaving the room and forcing him or her to engage in sexual activity against his/her will.
• Sexual Violence

  Sexual violence is physical sexual acts perpetrated against a person’s will or where a person is incapable of giving consent. A number of different acts fall into the category of sexual violence, including sexual misconduct, stalking, dating violence, and domestic violence.

• Stalking

  Stalking is to engage in a course of conduct directed at a specific person that would cause a reasonable person to fear for his or her safety or the safety of others; or suffer substantial emotional distress.

   

  Stalking is defined to mean two or more acts, including, but not limited to, acts in which the stalker directly, indirectly, or through third parties, by any action, method, device, or means, follows, monitors, observes, surveils, threatens, or communicates to or about a person, or interferes with a person's property.

   

  Substantial emotional distress would include significant mental suffering or anguish that may but does not necessarily, require medical or other professional treatment or counseling.

  Stalking is the willful, malicious, and repeated following or harassment of a person in a manner that would cause a reasonable person to feel frightened, intimidated, threatened, harassed or molested and actually causes the person being followed or harassed to feel terrorized, frightened, intimidated, threatened harassed or molested.

   

  Stalking also means a course of conduct composed of a series of two or more separate acts over a period of time, demonstrating a continuity of purpose or unwelcome contact with a person that is initiated or continued without the consent of the individual or in disregard of the expressed desire of the individual that the contact be avoided or discontinued.

   

  This may include repeatedly contacting another person (through any means, such as in person, by phone, electronic means, text messaging, etc.), following another person, or having others contact another person.

  Any actions that a stalker takes to contact, harass, track, or frighten another that could include repeatedly:

  • following
  • unsolicited visits or communication
  • using online social media inappropriately
  • damaging property
  • showing up at places an intended victim frequents
  • sending unsolicited mail, e-mail, texts and pictures
  • creating a website about a target of stalking
  • sending unsolicited gifts
  • stealing things that belong to intended victim
  • calling repeatedly.

  Stalking can occur by someone that is known casually, a current boyfriend or girlfriend, someone dated in the past or a stranger.

  Definition consistent with Violence Against Women Act Volume 79 CFR and Oklahoma state statute.